I read this interview last week which was posted on Brenton’s Aussielicious blog. I found it quite interesting and I think it might create some interesting comments.
Mr S is a bisexual married man who’s been a reader of Aussielicious for a couple of years now. He was kind enough to take part in this interview for you all to hear about being bisexual and married. Bisexuality is a hot topic among gay people, often doubting it’s true existence. Here’s a man who is adamant it exists.
How old are you? I am 27 years old.
Have you always considered yourself Bi? No. Up until I went to university, I considered myself straight. Yes, as part of playing sports there was some always a lot of banter and goofing around, but I had never given thought to actual sex with a man until later.
What would you estimate the gender ratio of sexual partners has been over the years? Okay, I was kind of a man-slut in my HS and college days, so I would say the gender ratio was about 100-7 over the years, in favor of women.
How long have you been married? A little over 3 years.
Has your wife always known about your bisexuality? Not exactly. I did tell her about a few frat house episodes, but never admitted to full-on bisexuality. She believes those days are long-gone.
How did you tell her? Before I asked her to marry me, I told her I wanted her to be fully aware of what she was getting into with me, so I just flat-out told her everything – all the women, and some of the men.
How often would you estimate you have sex outside your relationship with your wife? About 15 times.
Is the sex outside the marriage only with men or other women too? Only with men. My wife is the only woman with whom I sleep.
Do you think your wife suspects? I don’t think she has any idea.
What would you say to people who think there are no truly bisexual people? That they have no idea what it’s like to be attracted to both genders. I’ve always found both men and women attractive. I now find both genders sexually desirable. My ex-boyfriend finally told his mother and sister that he’s bi and they think bisexuality is just a stop on the train ride to Gaytown. They couldn’t be more wrong, IMO!
If the situation were reversed and you were in a relationship with a man, do you think you would sleep with women on the side? I don’t know. I’ve thought about it and if I were to commit to a relationship with a man, we would be perceived as a gay couple, and I think I would want to honor that perception. But the reality is that I would probably sleep with women on the side.
I’d like to say I’m not proud of cheating with men. It’s that there’s no good societally-acceptable way for bisexuals to exist. I try to minimize it, but sometimes the need for intimacy with a man is just overpowering and I succumb to temptation.
I’m keen to hear your thoughts on this guys.
12 Comments
cal
I like the line, “so I just flat-out told her everything – all the women, and some of the men,” as in, he told her everything, excluding all, only some, of the details. Har har.
Otherwise, it’s a neat article. Interesting questions, thorough responses.
***
I’m also into men and women, and can really relate to his point that being bisexual isn’t a step away from Gaytown. It’s a distinct identity altogether.
And you know, it’s cool that he still wants to be with men, even though he’s married a woman, but he should probably be a lil’ more honest about his affairs. Just saying is all.
Dave Evans
Cal,
I’m with you on not liking his honesty. I wonder if his wife would like to join in?
On the flip side though – if one day I got married to a chick I might not be quite as open with my past experiences (assuming that I wouldn’t partake in any in the future).
Very interesting.
Dave
FS
I think there’s a huge difference between being bisexual and being promiscuous. Too often the two are conflated, which then casts a bad light on bisexual people.
The interviewee clearly leads a promiscuous life, but not because he is bisexual.
People often think that being bi means you want to sleep with everything that has two legs. Bi people have preferences, too. And just as there are monogamists among straight or gay people, there are monogamists among bi people. I am a committed relationship with my (female) partner, and while I may like men as well, that does not mean that I don’t have the self-control to not cheat on my partner. Being bi is not an excuse for being a cheating liar.
What’s interesting is that it seems to be okay to say that you’re gay if you’ve never had any experience with the same sex before. Somehow it feels like you can’t say you’re bi if you haven’t had experiences with both sexes, or actively sleep with people of both sexes. But sexuality is different from what you experience. Yes, you may want to try things out if you’re unsure, but you can know who you are attracted to, without having sex with them.
And labels are subjective anyways. Gay men and women often have straight experiences when they are younger, but that doesn’t make them any less gay. Same with bi people – if they’ve only slept with one sex that does not mean they are not bi. And some people draw the line at who they would like to be in a relationship with. For example, a friend of mine (female) likes sleeping with women, but only looks for relationships with men and IDs as straight.
Bi has a lot of stigma. Unnecessarily so. But it’s people like this guy who perpetuate the stereotype that being bi means cheating spouses and partners.
Dr. Phil
As a bisexual myself, but one who finally admitted to liking males more than females (at least physically), this is an important issue for me; for a long time, I had hoped to be in that “ideal” middle space, of being equally attracted to both. That didn’t end up working out. I like women emotionally much better (because most do actually know how to communicate and say, and perhaps even know, what they feel!), but the physical attraction is much much stronger for guys. Oh well…
I’d like to see more acceptance of the full range of sexualities, including all of the different permutations of bisexuality, amongst the general gay community. It seems much more acceptable for women to have been bisexual, or to be bisexual, than it does for men, and I wonder why that is…
That having been said, far too many bi guys I’ve met do fall into one of two realms: 1) they are saying they’re from Bi-Town because they haven’t told everyone they actually live in Gay-Town; 2) they are actually straight, but because a bi identification gets them access to, for example, spaces in which two women getting off together is common, they identify in this way in order to have that access, even if it means occasionally kissing a guy or holding his hand. I’ve perhaps just been very unlucky in terms of what guys I’ve met in this regard…
GambleD
Yeh its funny that he wanted to be totally honest, well 90% totally honest. Bisexuality is so far from just being gay, Ive actually gotten more negative comments about being bi from gay guys than from the heterosexual area. Maybe its just the straight people im around, I dunno.
Ive always said full disclosure is the best, well the only way to go. If they dont stick around knowing everything than it wasnt meant to be, if they know everything and still are committed to the relationship, the relationship is so much stronger.
And when the two get along it makes for some really fun times 🙂
CalTexan
It seems to me that we are sexual beings. Monogomy is hard — especially for men. This guy is bi – he’s attracted to both sexes but married to a woman. I’m ok with him using the gay side of him to let off some steam (a lot of steam no doubt), but keeping the otherside of him committed to one woman. Sex with a man for me is physical, rough, animalistic. Sex with a woman for me is more committed and loving. If he’s the same as me, I get it and just hope he keeps it safe. This is complicated.
zebra
In this area, I’m not going to condemn a guy for being “90% totally honest”, because I’m hard pressed to reach that level myself, and I don’t feel that that makes me a bad person. Indeed, it’s spared women close to me unnecessary hurt, and so I’m just another Mr S, like a lot of guys in the world.
Bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean promiscuous, but it does have not-monogamous built into it, so that’s already a problem with most women. And people’s sexual lives continue for decades after the easy years of the 20s — it’s great to have Dave reliving that time for many of us, only with more guys, more often, in more positions, and with some freethinking girls too, but even he senses that it’s a special moment that won’t last for ever.
So I’m conflicted, and I can’t have everything I want. Like Mr S, I’m able to keep to one woman provided I can get to go with guys from time to time. I’d call that bisexual: if that label doesn’t suit other people, so be it, but whatever the label should be, it covers a lot of guys.
What are the positives? Liberal saunas enable me enjoy grappling naked with guys whose names I may never know, and sometimes I get to enjoy the total honesty of rolling round naked in bed with a guy as we unload all the stuff that’s bothering us. It’s teamwork totally based on conferring pleasure, whereas with a woman an adversarial element of proving yourself can sometimes creep in. I love going to bed with another guy so much, and it sends an electric charge through my body.
And thank goodness for the internet, which gives me an everyday outlet that would be very difficult to find otherwise. I feed my particular fantasy by hanging round the AOL chat tooms and telling straight guys in their 20s that I’d like to suck their cocks after they’ve been seeing their girlfriends. It may sound a bit pathetic — it’s really juvenile, I know — but it’s brought me some great thrills, some really appreciative exchanges, and just about kept me sane.
Above all, thank goodness for this blog, Dave’s, which gives you the feeling of being in touch with the true innermost thoughts of a regular guy — how a good proportion of regular guys would say they feel if they had the courage to be so articulate. That can only offer hope and confidence to others, and maybe help bring the dream of true bisexuality — which I consider a very desirable thing for any guy who doesn’t enjoy the liberation of being fully gay — a bit closer.
I always like to see women involved in some way — what do the ladies say?
Horrace
Some interesting posts here. I can relate to or at least understand the points of view of everyone.
I’m reluctant to cast aspersions about other people … there’s no accounting for sexuality – sexual diversity is something to be accepted so long as harm isn’t being done to unwitting or innocent people. But I’m pretty sure I agree with FS. That dude’s wife is being hurt, even if she doesn’t know it. I’m not impressed by cheating on the wife – why on earth would you get married if you can’t be open and honest and trusting about 100% of you? If you can’t go into a marriage without confidence in being completely open to the other (and demanding that of the other), then in my book, there’s no point to getting married.
But, I’m in a similar position. I’m a married bi guy. But my wife knows about everything about my past and about my desires, but so far hasn’t allowed me to play with a guy since we’ve been together. I’ve been true to her and have never cheated.
I agree that bi guys can be in a difficult situation. Our society is built around monogamy – and as bi is an atraction to both, to be bi and monogamous is to deny yourself a part of your basic human identity. It actually sounds contrary to the UN charter on human rights! I find it difficult, but I’m determined to be faithful. I choose to be faithful to my wife and my kids because I feel that truth and honesty and their ongoing love is more important that me getting my rocks off once in a while. Nevertheless, I hope my wife will feel comfortable allowing me to play with a guy at some point in the future. In swingers circles, they say those who play together, stay together. I could well believe GambleD, “… when the two get along it makes for some really fun times”
binick
Hey guys,
I like whats been said about the nature of bisexuals, et-all. But I have a real problem with the idea that bisexuality gives you a free pass to cheat.
I love men, I love women, and I love to fuck them both, but I am in a committed relationship with an individual. I hold this person’s hearrt, spirit, hopes for the future, and even sometimes their sanity in my hands. Monogamy has a purpose because cheating hurts, its not just another chain of christian slavery (oh and if you believe that it is, you are an ignorant son of a…).
We say we need sex with both men and women to keep us sane, satisfied, whatever. This is based on the premise that both sexes have equal allure in our eyes, and that to deny one of them is to deny who we are. INterestingly enough, this lise is the same thing that the straight accountant says to his wife when he screws the Hooters waitress, “I couldnt deny who I am, Im am man its in my nature.”
Sex is sex, with men or with women, and thats why its so wonderful, but you must be consistent. If sex is sex, then why would a bisexual married man consider sex with a woman other than their wife to be cheating, and then go off and have a suck with another man, and be perfectly ok with it. If you are actually bisexual, then both is part of your nature, and to deny either is to deny who you really are.
The problem is, that you HAVE to deny your “nature” inorder to enjoy the closest(besides the mother and child) bond in human relationships- deep committed love.
Its just as much a denial of the straight accountant’s nature to pass up a random fuck with the Hooter’s waitress, as it is for US to keep our cocks out of the mouth of that hairy guy at the YMCA’s sauna. If you love your wife (or girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or KIDS), please dont lie to your self, and please dont cheat on her.
I love sex with men, but I’m just as willing to pass on every Dave Evans I will ever meet again, as I am willing to pass on every sexy girl I will ever meet again. Why the hell would I do that? Because I made a choice, I want the love and friendship, and great sex that my sweet girl can give me.
When it comes to sexual identities, BISEXUALITY is the best! Bisexuality means that we get any chioce we want. BUT bisexuality also means that making that final choice is that much harder.
Just do yourself a favor, be honest to yourself about what choices you have already made.
binick
Oh and thanks Dave, I like your style.
GambleD
I know it doesnt work a lot of the time, but this is the situation Im in. Im in love with a man, and im also in love with a woman. I dont feel like its cheating whenever Im with either one of them because they both know about each other. We have an open relationship in that they both know everything about me, im equally close to both of them, and there are different things I love about both of them, but i still go to bed at nite and think about both of them.
I wish I could legally marry both of them, but the law doesnt allow that, so im stuck in a predicament there.
Cheating for me would be having sex with anyone but carmen or lucas, because I define being faithful as being faithful to the relationship, and both of them are included in the relationship.
I asked carmen about it like zebra was asking, and she said that it is more fun knowing about where my cock has been than if i were to say ive only been with her and her wondering about whether im telling the truth.
Horrace
Couldn’t have said it better myself, Binick!