Over the last couple of months I’ve noticed a certain train of thought….
That I should just come out and annouce my homosexuality.
Thing is… I’m not homosexual. I’m not hetrosexual either. I am a bit of both – hence the word bisexuality.
Bisexuality is a sexual orientation which refers to the romantic and/or sexual attraction of individuals to others of both genders (socially) or sexes (biologically). Most bisexuals are not equally attracted to men and women and may even shift between states of finding either gender or sex exclusively attractive over the course of time.However, some bisexuals are and remain fairly static in their level of attraction throughout their adult life.
Although observed in a variety of forms in human societies and in the animal kingdom throughout recorded history, the term bisexuality (like the terms hetero- and homosexuality) was only coined in the 19th century.
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Perhaps it is because of my nomadic existence these days but I comfortable being ‘in the closet’ to some of my friends and family while in different circles I’m more than happy to be known as someone who is very open minded.
Unfortunately, not everyone that I know is open minded enuf to understand that. And I’m not on a crusade to change peoples minds so what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them. I’m sure there are hypothetical scenarios which would cause a conflict of where I would step up and show my true colours (as has happened to Aaron) but that hasn’t happened yet and if it does I’ll deal with it then.
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If you guys sound interested then I would like to discuss this more over the coming weeks (leave a comment if you are). Two great bloggers Aaron (in Montreal) and Matt (in LA) have both written about their ‘coming out’ and ‘not coming’ out experiences over the last couple of days. They both have completely difference experiences and although my reaction has been different I don’t think any of us are wrong – just different.
And if there are any girls who are going to be in Queenstown who want to test out my bisexuality then count me in – haha.
I like this....
11 Comments
Dr. Phil
The whole bisexuality thing, and the fact that so many gay men (and some lesbians) just don’t seem to “get it” is quite irritating to me. I’ve been predominantly interested in men in the last number of years, but I’ve certainly been (and am) bisexual overall. (Despite that, it was only the first photo above that really did anything for me…but I’m rather particular about the women I like…) There was, in fact, a HUGE thing the other day in a regular social meet-up that is for LGBT pagans in Seattle, where a few of us had to talk about being bisexual, and how it doesn’t mean that, for example, one will just abandon one’s boyfriend when a woman comes along, etc.
I’ve been a bisexual activist in the past, have presented and organized events at bi-cons, and it turns out I’m going to attempt contributing some academic work to a bisexual journal (the creatively titled Journal of Bisexuality) fairly soon, based on some of my M.A. work back in ’98-’00. So, this is coming around again. And, I’ve certainly met a few women lately that I wouldn’t mind giving a test drive to…but for the most part, a naked guy will draw my attention faster than a naked woman. If that changes, oh well…and if not, oh well again!
I’m all for you describing your experiences and thoughts on this matter. It is not a binary world in which we live, and I think anyone who feels that it ought to be just needs to widen their perspective a bit.
Horrace
Hi Dave,
I hear you with your decisions re your public identity. I’m much the same – here’s my take.
Most people who mean much to me know that I’m bisexual, but there are some who don’t know. I don’t tell them because I’m not confident that they’d take it well, and I’d prefer to be known and liked by my personality and broad values rather than my sexuality alone, which I feel in the eyes of some would become the principle trait I’d be judged by. Consequently, I don’t wear my sexuality on my sleeve like some who have come out as gay. And that’s fine – each to their own – and in many ways, I envy those who can splash their sexuality about. However, for me, I believe I have a satisfactory situation given my personality, my family and friends and my priorities.
I’m married with kids, and don’t act on the ‘gay’ side of my sexuality (except through enjoying blogs such as yours). I’d like that to be different, but it’s a function of a social condition that would lead me to being ostracised by all and sundry (including my wife) if I was sexually active in both the hetro and homo spheres. So, given that, I have reconcilled with engaging only in monogomous straight (albeit adventurous) sex. My wife knows about everything, and is mostly confortable with it, and I’m confident that in the future and if the right ‘other’ person comes along, we might be able to enjoy a polyamorous relationship that will allow me to fully explore and enjoy my sexuality while maintaining the love and security in the primary relationship with my wife. In the meantime, I’m grateful for having what I have.
Horrace.
Dave Evans
Horrace,
Thank you so much for sharing.
You couldn’t have hit the nail more on the head as to my outlook on things and where my life may end up.
Dave
ozmouse
difficult topic to cover in a one dimensional medium, but let us try… let me thrown down some thoughts….
i think there are 2 issues here…. 1) what you identify as and 2 ) coming out.
People can identify as whatever they what to be. On the one hand someone can be highly self actualized, and the other side of the spectrum, they can be self delusional as to their identify.
But of course we are GREATLY influenced by our social contacts and therefore our public identity as well. It is important to us – we are social animals. And because of our simple language we use labels to identify each other and identify with a tribe. (probably another whole discussion about labels…)
coming out is more than just announcing to the world you are gay, it is a statement to yourself about your identity. i.e. coming out to yourself…
i think alot of gay men have some inner homophobia to work thru before they come out to themselves.
identifying as gay means more than identifying with m2m sexual acts. hence the misunderstanding with the greater population.
coming out is a gradual process.
at a younger age, it is natural for humans to be experimental with their sexuality. with time, they pick a path….
sexuality is different to sex. some gay men dont like anal. some str8 men like cocks…
enough rambling from me… alot of disjointed thoughts….
for what it is worth, my background – played with both sexes in my twenties. deeply closeted at the time. met amazing women. married for 16 years. great marriage (bad sex though). mid life crisis – now identify as gay. coming out was the most definative and empowering thing i have personally done.
all the best with it dave. take your time. honesty is best policy – no one can get hurt. come out to yourself first (gay or bi). the rest will follow naturally.
you are not alone with whatever decision you make.
cheers
Matt
I heard a word the other day, “Polysexual”. Can’t recall how it was different from bi-sexual, but I liked how it sounds. On a deeper level, at our core I believe we are persons, regardless of our biological sex assignment. I do not believe our souls have sex assigned to them. I do not believe that our attraction to another person, to love another person, is limited or defined by their biological sex assignment. That all said, I think there is something natural about sexual attraction. For some it may be biological based. Others it may be some deeper, inner attraction. And for some it may be, at times, strictly an opportunity for orgasm, which I always appreciate!
matt in Washington
zebra
I can identify with both those thoughtful posts, too. While I’d like to have continued openly with both sexes, and was prepared to have the consequent robust discussions with people, one lovely lady and then another made it clear that it wasn’t going to happen, thus forcing me to be secretive about my rather fewer, but still exciting, encounters with guys.
One result is that rolling around naked with a guy isn’t just good in itself, but stands for rather more. There’s no economic exchange, or gain in status or respectability (indeed, quite the contrary): it’s a totally honest giving and receiving of pleasure without any further complication, and that has an appeal of its own.
That’s what this blog gives us, uniquely among the male blogs I’ve seen — a storyline that I take to be true in all essentials, dispensed with the honesty and integrity of two guys stripping off and falling into bed. It’s got the natural soap-opera sexiness of Neighbours in its early days, with Kylie, Jason and Guy Pearce in their swimwear. But whereas I’d be watching the TV show and keeping a quiet eye on those unsung special guest stars, the boys in the guys’ speedos, here, fortunately, we get more than the occasional glimpse, which is an altogether more authentic situation.
Though while I welcome somewhere to go for a strongly cock-centred sex and love storyline, I can’t deny that I feel it would be set off very nicely by the inclusion of the occasional bikini babe… And of course the point is going to come when, rightfully, the girls are going to insist on being more than fashion accessories and playmates, and the conundrum of bisexuality comes into play.
Unlike gay or straight, the term itself excludes even the possibility of monogamy, and so points straight off to difficult situations. The only consolation, Dave, is that a lot of us are with you…
anon
Thoughtful comments. I also classify myself as bi and am married with children. The agreement with my truly wonderful wife is “No other women” so I think that I may well have the best of all possible world. Those who need to know (for a whole range of reasons) know and the rest see me as I am – a happily married man. Of course being gay or straight are slightly easier options in our type of society in 2008 but we are who we are. I don’t happen to believe in relationships without totally honesty and trust. I know that this is extremely difficult for most bi guys but who said that life was meant to be easy. Straight and gay guys have their own problems as well as so we shouldn’t go around feeling sorry for ourselves- after all we have got the greatest gift of all and that is feeling sexually attractive to people rather than to gender.
Anonymous
I can’t really speak to you pretending I know what you’re going through, as I’m gay not bi. But I can speak to you about how hard it is to come out. Well… not really, I haven’t come out yet. But I wanted o say this because I’m wondering the same thing. I’m a bit too young to come out yet, because what if this is a stage I’m going through in my life. What if I change? There’s no going back once I’ve said it. Or there is but it won’t be easy. I’m still deciding what to do…
I can see a similar situation with you: if you come out, then you better be sure you are, or a partner might not like it if you are having thoughts about women… on the other hand, if you don’t come out, then if you happen to get into a situation with a women and your hesitant… Well that might just not end well…
Joshua
Hi Dave.
From one Bisexual guy to another. I look on the upside of being Bi. You get the best of bothworlds. I love to have sex with chicks but I luv getting screwed by guys and screwing them. And also I think our sex is more random than str8 peeps as we tend too have sex at anytime with anyone we can. I luv it and I hope you have as much fun as I do.
Have fun dude.Luv your site
Josh xxxxx
Anonymous
I almost agree with what was said by someone else – it does seem that in society these days being openly gay is accepted, but you don’t really see many people coming out as bisexual (though Angelina Jolie rings a bell…)
Sexual identity is a funny thing, I find. Like many other guys I’ve watched my share of porn, and it almost surprises me how people who claim to be straight can watch a naked guy in a porno – shouldn’t that be a turn-off for them?
I’ve experimented with a guy once, and at the moment am happy to label myself as bicurious… it’s more exciting for me to imagine a situation with a guy than it was in the flesh, but that might just be cos it was my first time. The only people in my life I’ve told about being bicurious/bisexual are an ex-girlfriend and a gay friend (who thinks he is 90% gay – funny you can come up with figures like that!), despite the fact there is someone in my immediate family who identifies as bi/gay. I can’t bring myself around to tell my family at the moment and who knows, I may never need to.
Experimentation is natural, I believe, and it’s everybody’s right to keep their identity under cover if they wish. No one should be outed (as my friend was) against their will – it’s something that belongs to you until you decide to share it.
Alex 03
Hi there,
this bisexuality thing is a really big deal.
Im actually bisexual. The point is that for many years I developed a phobia. I’ve been going to a therapist and she told me that my sexuality has to do a lot with this problem, so u can imagine how bad can be for us to be “in the closet”. I went also with the objective of defining my sexuallity, but… what for? If I’m bisexual I’m gay anyway but I still like women, so… I think we should look forward to be happy wheter we like men, women or both.