With my impending move to Sydney (although I will be living out of Sydney on the beach), I’ve been talking with friends of mine in the city a fair bit lately. Most of my friends who live in the city are gay and I’m looking forward to hanging out with guys who are openly gay. My friends on the coast are all str8, I grew up with str8 friends and some of my best ‘guy sexual partners’ have been bi and very very str8 acting.
I’m very str8 acting myself.
Hanging out with some openly gay guys in a city where I’m not afraid of my grandma walking around the corner seems quite liberating.
However, some of my gay Sydney friends come across as being a bit down. A couple of friends are looking for long term, monogamous relationships and it seems to be getting them down. My str8 guy friends rejoice in their bachelorhood and I know girls who are looking for ‘Mr Right’ but they don’t seem to let it bring them down.
I’m sure I am completely generalizing here but this is what I have observed.
It got me thinking enough that I even did some research and here are a couple of articles I found.
In 1989, the United States Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) issued its “Report on the Secretary’s Task Force on Youth Suicide,” which found that “A majority of suicide attempts by homosexuals occur during their youth, and gay youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than other young people. (http://www.outproud.org/article_suicide.html)
National Center for Injury Prevention and Control (NCIPC) – a branch of the CDC. In 2002, 132,353 individuals were hospitalized following suicide attempts; 116,639 were treated in emergency departments and released. Most suicides are committed with a firearm (55-60 percent). Suicide is the eighth-leading cause of death for all U.S. men; males are four times more likely to die from suicide than females—even though women report attempting suicide during their lifetimes about three times as often as men. (http://www.nypress.com/article-11537-the-other-epidemic.html)
I don’t think you could ever find completely accurate stats on this topic and those 2 articles are pretty old – I only posted them because they weren’t what I had expected.
This post is more of a serious post and I’d like to hear what you guys think and if the rate of suicide among gay/lesbian youth is 2 times the average – is there anything that could be done to help?
9 Comments
The Boy
I’m going to make a suggestion for your friends.
Gay men seem to con themselves into believing that having a (fulfilling) relationship is one of the hardest and yet most important things to do in life. I’d like to contest both points:
1. Having/finding a relationship isn’t hard. It’s the fact that for some reason gay guys (myself included) have an overwhelming proclivity to want someone who doesn’t exist: a man with only ‘good’ attributes and nothing even remotely bad. That’s a totally romanticised view of the reality of people and relationships. Has anyone ever been able to be cute, funny, a great fuck, sensitive but ‘straight-acting’ etc etc etc without having many and varied personality flaws? No, and if you think they have then either you haven’t looked hard enough or you don’t know them well enough. If you can’t do it (be all those things you want in a partner and nothing else), chances are no one else can either. So learn to love the ‘bad’ in the other person rather than pushing them away for it and you’ll find that there are a lot more opportunities for fulfilling relationships out there than you were first willing to acknowledge.
2. Having a monogomous, sustainable, loving *insert additional adjectives here* is not the most important thing to do in life. In fact, it’s not really better than single life either – it’s just different. I think that most of the problem surrounding relationships for gay guys is that we have an inflated, infatuated view of what relationships are, what they mean and the amount of work you have to put into them (it’s not all red roses – which, incidentally also have thorns -, cuddles and warm, fuzzy feelings). Relationships complicate life, even when they work on an emotional level. I’m not saying that it’s bad to want one, only that we should be willing to accept (and deal with in a level-headed manner) all the crap that comes with a relationship also because let’s face it, no one’s ever had a fulfilling relationship without putting in a huge effort to make it work (either sexually, or logistically or emotionally…).
Now, I’m by no means knocking wanting or having a relationship or diminishing their value, nor putting myself on a pedestal here. I just think that it’s important to recognise that most of our (gay guys’) problems with finding ‘the one’ or the perfect relationship stem from the constraints we place on ourselves due to our unrealistic expectations of what they should be. Having said that we have one of two options: 1. take responsibility for those constraints and make an effort to work them out or 2. think that there’s nothing we can do about it and get depressed because no one will fix our problem which can also lead to suicide (hence the comment on your post, Dave).
After having sufficiently opined, I’m going to finish but would love to hear any body else’s thoughts on the matter…
Thanks.
Dr. Phil
The Boy brings up a variety of good points, which deserve to be discussed at great length. However, more topical and to the purpose and subject of your post, Dave…
One of the things which needs to happen for the LGBTQ youth suicide rate to go down (and, incidentally, it is reckoned that the bisexual rate is even higher in a number of studies, since bisexuals face resentment and disapproval from strictly gay people as well as straight people/their families/larger society, etc.) is for people to have a sense of the inherent worth of their own lives despite what societal messages they’re receiving. But, more to the root, the people and organizations giving those societal messages need to be counteracted on a direct level. Most of those people and organizations are religious organizations, unfortunately, which is all the worse, because they give the impression that though one may not agree with their stances here “on Earth,” that they do have authority and insight into the realities of things “in Heaven,” and more importantly, “in Hell.” Few people end up with the wherewithal as late teens to be able to question or critique that viewpoint, and thus awful things happen…
My most recent boyfriend attempted suicide on a number of occasions, and it was because he got the idea from his Mormon upbringing that if he committed suicide, it would be a less grievous sin than living as a homosexual, and therefore there would at least be some hope of “forgiveness” for him from god than if he had continued to have “impure thoughts” and the like. This is horrific and wrong on every possible level, needless to say…
Don’t get me wrong, either, I’m not anti-religion. I am, however, very much anti-particular religions, including virulent forms of Christianity and Islam which suggest that death for homosexuals (and they make no distinction between those who are bisexual and those who are homosexual–if you’ve ever wanted cock as a male, you’re a homo-) is the best and most just thing possible. To that, I say “Get fucked!”
There are religions that honor queer people, of all genders and all orientations, as of inherent worth and value, and consider homoerotic love and sex acts to be wonderful and beautiful things. As someone who is part of such a religion, I think it would be very useful for an alternative message to be out there more publicly, to counteract the vocal majority’s stance on these matters. However, anything that isn’t Christian (or at least monotheistic) is marginalized and squelched out in the wider public religious discourse as “automatically wrong” and flawed, if not sinful and evil. The LGBTQ-affirming Christian churches, Jewish synagogues and temples, and even the occasional Islamic group or people, are doing what they can, but for the most part they are not vocal enough, nor critical enough of their so-called co-religionists, to make much of a difference. Far too many young queer folks go to their self-inflicted deaths not knowing that there are people who value them for who they are, despite what their church and their relatives are often telling them directly.
Unfortunately, this isn’t something that can be fixed easily, and without a bit of a struggle. Damn. But thank you for bringing it up, Dave. It’s very important, and I hope a few people who might be having doubts see what you’ve written…you may be doing a great public service by having put up this post, so you should be applauded all the more than we usually do for your provision of “entertainment”! 😉
Giorgio
im a teen im a homo/bi and my parents would kill me if they knew i was gay (if i haven’t already done so myself) yes it is true it is something that guys who are confussed and in denial think about very often and its not just because of what society thinks about them for who they are, but it sometimes is just an easy way out hings so you don’t have to deal with the confusion and denial and all the steps that follow im not excactly from the USA but i am from a place were homosexals and anything different is very harshly treadted, and the posibilityof being disowned most my friends know but im keeping it from a few other friends as they may not understand… i have never sef inflicted on myself but i have thought aboutit many times and im always very confused as to what to do and where im headng with my life, so im going to ride it out and just wait, so idk where i will end up but we will see. and i never thought that the suicide rat would be so high!
dave
All the above statements are true. Some younger guys have low self esteem, looking for high standards in a relationship, but having a vision of a guy that most likely does not exist. They need to understand, a relationship is working out the differences between them and letting their “vision” go. All the guys I know are not perfect, each one different, but I don’t set a real high standard. Being immature and and fully educated on life doesn’t help either. Every guy is important and has a place here on earth. They need to understand it. And of course, some religions are so unforgiving. Thats sucks alot.
0hzone
Being a gay man, I have to admit to having never met or known a gay man to commit suicide – but thats my own personal experience.
I myself was deeply deeply closeted and was able to have my first conection with a guy that turned in to my first significant relationship of 7 years. I was only able to do this through nearly 2 years of intense therapy.
Gay men are still seen as ‘different’ and have to find their place in teh world and this involves a great deal of personal work, through which they can become stronger, or a mess. many resort to wearing a happy face and a life of party drugs.
All of the men who I have known to have comited suicide were not gay but straight, married or partnered, and who found the modern day pressures of identifying as a man in a modern world where women had reinvented themselves and put huge demands on the role of men, and which many straight men feel difficult to deal with. I think this is a problem for many men who dont think deeply about their position in the world, define i, understand it, and work with it.
I am really not sure of the solution.
Girgio
there is not just one solution, and its not just cause teens are gay that they comit suicide but can sometimes be the thing that just pushes them to that point, and can contribute but i dont think it would be the only reason behind a suicide. gays get it a lot harder in shools and find it harder to fit in so the solution would be just to have god support and understanding friends so one can gradualy gin courage and begin to acept one self for who they are, i think that wold be the souliton but like most things it just too much to ask….
Girgio
and dont forget that there must be a lot more people who have comited suicide but werent ‘out’ at the time.
Dave Evans
Guys,
Great discussion – thank you for your input.
I was somewhat hesitant to post this as I try and keep the blog on a lighter note but thank you for reading and contributing.
Dave
Anonymous
Thanks for making this post Dave…the hot stories and pics are always fun, but as gay men we should also try to balance the sexy side of our lives with the realities of the often overpowering social exclusion we can face in our communities, schools and workplaces (which leads to suicide).
In terms of statistics, same-sex attracted Australians are up to three times more likely to take their own lives, and up to six times in rural areas.
We’re also at much higher risks of substance abuse, self harm and mental illness.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. In the six years that I’ve been out, I’ve witnessed tremendous changes on both a social and political level. We are going to see great in our lifetimes, but with suicide levels remaining the same, we’re clearly not there yet…
We don’t have to be waving a flag, marching down the street or picketing Parliament house, but each and every person can have a profound impact on those around them.
Even if we just spoke to our friends and families about what it means to be gay/bi, what our difficulties have been, and why Australia is still not a place where everyone and every relationship is treated with the same dignity and fairness we would create change.
They’re often the most difficult conversations to have, but they are always always the most important.